Always in My Heart

So it has been 12 months since we first approached our local council to start the adoption process. In 12 months I feel that we have come so far in many ways and then feel frustrated that things haven’t moved further in other ways.

It has also been 2 years since I lost my baby, so this brings back all kinds of emotions too. Remembering how awful that loss was is hard and I know I shouldn’t torture myself but I can’t help but wonder how things might have been. For some reason, I was convinced it was a little boy and I find my mind wandering to how he may have looked now as a toddler, what milestones he would have achieved and how he would have changed all our lives. It saddens me that we were blessed with a surprise pregnancy and that it was taken away from us.

Peter never seems to feel sad about it and just accepts that it ‘wasn’t meant to be’ but for me, as soon as I knew I was pregnant, that little person existed. I guess it’s just different for women as we carry them and so think about them 24/7. In the 3 months I was pregnant, I had already visioned future Christmases, School events, holidays etc. When he went, I felt like all these future images I had in my mind were now like photos with someone blacked out of the picture.

Granted, I know I think too much, Peter tells me that all the time, but if that is your character, its pretty hard to change it and switch off. Sometimes I feel like he has lost patience with me and so I keep quiet if I am feeling sad and try and put a ‘brave face’ on. This is easy to do in front of our girl, but when I am alone with Peter it is sometimes difficult.

Of course, things are getting easier and, as with any grief, overtime I have far more good days than bad days, but even if we are lucky enough to successfully adopt, then my lost child will always be in my heart, it is not something I can replace or erase.

He existed, he was mine, therefore I grieve for him.

Despite my moments of melancholy, things do seem to be progressing well with our home study and we seem near to the completion of Form F, which is so exciting. Our social worker has even said she hopes for us to be able to go to panel within the next two months. This would mean we could be approved very soon. I feel no fear for this, I am just so excited to think we could soon be moving on towards having our adopted child placed with us.

 

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